I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
