I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
