I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
