I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
