I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I deserve this hangover.
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