The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
They have beer where we have blood.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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