Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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