A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
