He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
