I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
