definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
