hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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