I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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