just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
