Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
