I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
