Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
