My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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