I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
