So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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