Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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