Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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