Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
