Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
