Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Randomize
