im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
