Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
