My Higher Power is John Stamos
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
