I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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