Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
