At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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