I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
