I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The best revenge is premature balding
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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