you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
whose ass print is on the piano?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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