I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sext me about skeletons
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
