He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
