I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
