Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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