Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
