If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
