I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
