if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
