Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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