dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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