I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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