Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
