I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
