just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
