i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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