i used baking grease as lip gloss
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
